Teaching Your Baby to Self-Soothe: A Step-by-Step Guide

Are you exhausted, your baby is crying, and getting them to sleep feels like an impossible task?

Maybe the idea of your baby falling asleep independently seems completely out of reach right now. And trust me, I know exactly how that feels. Endless rocking, frequent nursing, long hours of carrying—sleep deprivation can take a real toll.

But there is hope! As a mother of six and a certified baby sleep consultant, I’ve spent years studying and refining sleep strategies. In this article, I’ll share my tried-and-true tips to help your baby learn to self-soothe and fall asleep independently. Let’s make bedtime easier and help your little one get the restful sleep they need.

Why Should My Baby or Child Learn to Fall Asleep Independently?

Let’s be honest: If your current sleep situation works for you and everyone is getting enough rest, there’s no need to change anything—no matter what others say!

However, based on my experience, there are several situations where it can be beneficial to teach your baby or child to fall asleep independently.

1. Put an End to Bedtime Battles for a More Peaceful Family Life

If bedtime has become a daily struggle, requiring long hours of parental involvement, it can take a toll on the whole family. Parents often find that their relationship suffers because they have no time for each other, or that siblings feel neglected. To restore family balance, improve overall well-being, and enjoy peaceful evenings again, it may be time to address sleep challenges.

2. Stop Frequent Night Wakings

Some babies fall asleep relatively easily with nursing or rocking, but the real challenge starts at night. Many moms struggle with their baby waking up every 1–2 hours, unable to go back to sleep without assistance.

These fragmented nights can lead to chronic sleep deprivation, which significantly impacts parents’ mental health and can even contribute to postpartum depression. In such cases, improving a baby’s ability to fall asleep independently can also improve their ability to stay asleep, making nights more restful for everyone.

3. Encourage Your Child’s Independence

As children grow, many parents want them to learn how to fall asleep without help. This often coincides with milestones such as starting daycare, a mom returning to work, or simply the desire for more relaxed evenings. Another common goal is ensuring that a child can sleep comfortably at a grandparent’s house or in other new environments. Teaching independent sleep habits supports these transitions.

4. Establish Healthy Sleep Habits Early

Some parents, particularly those who have struggled with sleep issues in older siblings, want to establish healthy sleep habits from the start. By laying the foundation early, they aim to prevent future sleep problems. Learning to self-soothe and fall asleep independently is often a key part of this approach.

Helping your child develop independent sleep skills has several advantages:

• No more bedtime struggles
• Faster falling asleep and staying asleep
• More relaxed evenings and stronger parent relationships
• Fewer night wakings, leading to more restful sleep
• Easier adjustment to new sleep environments (daycare, grandparents‘ house, vacations)
• More restful sleep during growth spurts, teething, and sleep regressions
• Overall better sleep quality and sufficient rest

Getting enough sleep is essential for a strong immune system (for both mom and baby), improved concentration and learning, and fewer evening tantrums, mood swings, and aggressive behavior.

Ultimately, these benefits don’t just help you—they are crucial for your child’s well-being, too!

As a sleep consultant, I often hear the question, “Why should my child learn to sleep independently?” My answer is always the same: Independent sleep is the key to better nights, more restful sleep, and greater overall well-being for the entire family.

In fact, the first step in any sleep coaching process is always helping a child fall asleep independently at bedtime.

Independent sleep can also lead to longer and more restorative daytime naps (though nap coaching is usually best addressed after nighttime sleep improvements).

This brings us to the ultimate question: “When and how can my baby or child learn to fall asleep independently?”

When Can My Baby or Toddler Learn to Self-Soothe and Fall Asleep Independently?

When is the right time to teach or encourage independent sleep? In short, there is no single „perfect“ time. Every child is different when it comes to learning to fall asleep on their own. This milestone depends on personality, brain development, and parental approach. Some babies naturally drift off in their crib at just 2 months old (a rare exception), while others still require intense sleep support at 5 years old.

Research suggests that babies who gently practice self-soothing in their crib early on (without forced sleep training, but through repeated exposure) can make noticeable progress toward independent sleep as early as 2–3 months old. Many sleep consultants recommend starting gentle sleep habits around 8 weeks to provide an alternative to nursing or sucking as a primary sleep association. If sucking to sleep becomes the only way a baby can fall asleep, it often leads to sleep challenges as they grow.

In English-speaking countries, the ideal window for sleep coaching—including learning to fall asleep independently—is often set between 4 and 7 months. At this stage, sleep habits are not yet deeply ingrained, and babies typically protest less than they might later on.

Gentle sleep consultants worldwide tend to recommend waiting until at least 6 months. I personally align with this perspective, as 6–7 months is an ideal age for sleep coaching. Why? According to research, babies develop the cognitive ability to self-soothe around 5.5–6 months, a key neurological milestone for mastering independent sleep. At the same time, sleep associations are not as firmly established as in older babies and toddlers. Additionally, babies at this age cannot yet crawl, stand, or sit up, which makes sleep coaching smoother.

For babies under 6 months: It is highly beneficial to practice at least one nap a day with the baby falling asleep on their back (the safest and only recommended sleep position).

For babies older than 8 months: Teaching independent sleep is still very much possible and even more relevant, especially when preparing for daycare transitions. At this stage, toddlers have a greater understanding of expectations, though reactions can vary based on temperament and developmental stage—ranging from minimal protest to strong resistance.

There is no strict golden rule for the “perfect” time. The right time is when you feel ready to say, „Enough is enough,“ and are prepared to implement consistent, loving changes to your child’s sleep routine.

How Can I Help My Baby or Toddler Learn to Fall Asleep Independently?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we, as parents, had a magic formula to instantly soothe our babbling/giggling/fussing/crying yet overtired baby into peaceful sleep?

Unfortunately, there is no magic trick. But there are several things you can do to make self-soothing and independent sleep easier for your child!

1. Keep a Sleep Log

To better understand your baby’s sleep patterns, it’s helpful to track their sleep for at least 4–7 days. Write down when your baby sleeps, how long they nap, how they fall asleep, and any periods of fussiness or crying. Sometimes, patterns emerge—such as overtiredness from long wake windows, which can lead to difficulty falling asleep or waking too early. (For more details, including a sleep log template, check out my Baby Sleep Course.)

2. Establish a Consistent and Early Bedtime

A set bedtime is crucial. Choose a reasonable time based on your baby’s current routine, ideally between 7:00–8:00 PM (for babies 4 months and older). An earlier bedtime can resolve multiple sleep issues, reduce evening fussiness, and even prevent early morning wake-ups!

3. Check the Sleep Environment

Your baby’s sleep space should be both inviting and, above all, safe. This means your baby should always sleep on their back on a firm mattress with no pillows, blankets, large stuffed animals, or thick crib bumpers that could pose a suffocation risk (or, if bed-sharing, ensuring ample space and safety measures).

Make sure there are no gaps or crevices (e.g., between the parents‘ bed and a bedside crib or against the wall) where your baby could get stuck.

Using a sleep sack is not only a safer option but also a practical one—it ensures your baby stays covered throughout the night and can also help prevent climbing attempts.

Another key factor is darkness: The room should be as dark as possible. Early morning sunlight, especially in summer, often leads to restless sleep or waking up too early.

4. Consider Sleep Needs and Daily Routine

How much sleep does your baby get during the day and at night? It’s important to check what is age-appropriate and ensure your baby is getting enough sleep.

For detailed guidance on this topic, I recommend my free email course, which includes dedicated articles on sleep schedules and bedtime routines.

5. Establish a Consistent Bedtime Routine

A calm and predictable bedtime routine is one of the most crucial factors in helping your baby learn to fall asleep independently. If your baby follows the same steps each night—going through familiar bedtime rituals in the same order—their body and brain will automatically begin to associate these cues with sleep.

This consistency will be especially helpful when you start weaning off certain sleep associations and placing your baby in their crib awake. It’s also beneficial to introduce a mini-routine before naps to reinforce the habit.

6. Assess Current Sleep Habits

It might seem obvious, but taking a step back to evaluate how your baby or toddler currently falls asleep can be incredibly useful.

– Does your baby always nurse to sleep?
– Do they only sleep in your bed?
– What is their bedtime routine like at night, and how do they nap during the day?
– Are they familiar with their room and crib?

Take a few minutes to reflect on your current sleep situation and where you’d like to be.

7. Create Gentle Transitions

What is your ultimate sleep goal? A crib in a separate room? Transitioning out of co-sleeping? If your baby has always slept with you, it’s best to introduce changes gradually before starting formal sleep coaching.

One common approach is to sleep next to the crib for 2–3 nights before moving farther away. You can also make the crib a more familiar space by spending positive, playful moments there during the day—playing peekaboo, letting your baby explore the crib, or gently placing them in it for short periods. (Avoid overly energetic play, but create a sense of comfort and familiarity.)

What Is the Right Sleep Window for Independent Sleep?

You can make falling asleep much easier for your baby by putting them to bed during their ideal „sleep window.“ When your child is tired but not overtired, they have the best chance of settling with minimal fuss or tears.

Two key factors can help you find the right time (and should be used together):

1. Watch the clock: How long should your baby’s wake windows be based on their age? Stick within the recommended range, adjusting for the time of day (shorter wake times in the morning, longer in the evening) and the length of the last nap (after a long nap, babies can typically stay awake a bit longer). Keeping track of wake-up times can help you predict the next optimal sleep period.
2. Observe your baby’s sleep cues: What is their individual sleep need? Do they seem drowsy, or are they suddenly hyperactive—often a sign of overtiredness?

Even from a young age, babies develop an „internal clock“ that signals when they should sleep, wake, or eat—just like adults. You can support your baby’s sleep by offering age-appropriate sleep schedules and wake windows.

As a sleep consultant, I frequently work with parents of overtired babies and toddlers whose wake times—especially before bed—are far too long. This is something to avoid at all costs!

(Interestingly, the opposite issue—“too much daytime sleep“ leading to sleep struggles—is extremely rare. Babies and toddlers naturally need a lot of sleep. The recommended total sleep amounts are:
– 14–15 hours per day for babies 3–8 months old
– 13–14 hours per day for babies 9–18 months old
– 12–13 hours per day for toddlers 18 months and older

Sleep needs decrease much more gradually than most parents assume!)

In most cases, overtiredness and overstimulation are the culprits behind sleep struggles. Contrary to popular belief, the advice „keep them up longer so they sleep better“ is almost always counterproductive!

Overtiredness and Its Effects on Your Baby’s Sleep

When a baby becomes overtired, their cortisol levels (stress hormones) rise, which often leads to:

• Lengthy bedtime battles and resistance to sleep
• Increased fussiness, crying, and tantrums in the evening
• Waking up shortly after falling asleep
• Frequent night wakings
• Early morning wake-ups

So, if you want to help your child learn to fall asleep independently, it’s crucial to ensure they get enough sleep during the day. A well-rested baby will have a much easier time settling into their bedtime routine without becoming overtired.

Signs of Sleepiness in Your Baby or Toddler

How can you tell when your baby is ready for sleep? Look for these common sleep cues:

• Rubbing their eyes
• Slowing down in movement and activity
• Loss of interest in people or toys (e.g., stops smiling back)
• Staring blankly into space
• Glassy eyes
• Thumb sucking (if your baby is a thumb sucker)
• Fussiness, restlessness, or excessive movement
• Yawning
• Tugging at their ears
• Turning their head away
• Wanting to nurse or suck on a pacifier even when not hungry
• Reaching for their comfort object (in older children)

(If your baby is already crying excessively, highly restless, or hyperactive, these are signs of overtiredness. In that case, try putting them to bed earlier next time.)

The goal is to catch the right sleep window so you can lay your baby down with minimal resistance.

(Don’t worry! With practice, you’ll get better at recognizing the perfect timing. And if your baby protests, it doesn’t necessarily mean you got it wrong—temperament plays a big role in how easily a child accepts change.)

Practical Steps: How Can My Baby or Toddler Learn to Fall Asleep Independently?

The following steps can help your baby learn to fall asleep on their own.

Preparation is key—ensuring a solid bedtime routine and a familiar sleep environment will make the process much smoother. The goal is to place your baby in their crib “drowsy but awake.” This means your baby is relaxed and sleepy but still aware that they are being laid down.

The main objective is for your baby to fall asleep in their crib on their own. At first, you will stay nearby and provide support, but as nights progress, your involvement will gradually decrease.

Here’s a step-by-step approach:

1. Ensure Basic Needs Are Met

Before starting bedtime, make sure your baby’s tummy is full, their diaper is dry, and the room is dark and quiet.

2. Pajamas and Sleep Sack or Swaddle

Depending on your baby’s age, swaddle them snugly (if they are still in the swaddling stage) or place them in a sleep sack. This consistent signal helps them recognize that it’s time for sleep.

3. Bonding, Cuddling, and Gentle Movement

This is where your family’s personal bedtime rituals come in. Some parents choose to incorporate extra bonding time, such as a gentle baby massage, looking at a book together, or saying goodnight to stuffed animals.

A brief walk around the house, a few minutes of rocking, or simply holding your baby close can also provide comfort and help release any trapped air from burping that might interfere with sleep.

4. Dark Room & Sleep Song

Take your baby into their darkened sleep space (whether it’s their own room or yours, depending on your setup) and sing a calming lullaby. You can walk around while singing, hold your baby on your lap, or even play the same song each night for consistency. Some parents also find soft instrumental music helpful.

The key is repetition—use the same sounds and cues nightly so that your baby’s brain learns to associate them with sleep.

5. Lay Your Baby Down „Drowsy but Awake“

Once your baby appears sleepy—perhaps closing their eyes briefly but still stirring—gently place them in their crib or sleep space.

You may need to offer some reassurance at first. If possible, gently rock the crib (if designed for it) or place a comforting hand on your baby to soothe them.

The long-term goal is to gradually reduce your involvement, so your baby becomes increasingly capable of falling asleep independently. However, don’t worry if full independence doesn’t happen immediately—it’s a process, and progress takes time!

6. Learning to Fall Asleep While Lying Down

The ultimate goal for independent sleep is for your baby to fall asleep while lying in their crib. This is the key to long-term success, not only for falling asleep initially but also for staying asleep throughout the night.

Every baby is different, so you may need to experiment to find what works best for your child. What helps ease the transition from your arms to the crib? Does your baby need an intermediate step, such as lying sideways on your arm before being placed down? Do they settle better if you briefly rest your arm on the mattress with them? Would gentle rocking of the crib or rhythmic patting help? Should you pick them up again if they cry and restart the process, or do you think it’s best to follow through from the very first attempt?

Some parents prefer to keep laying their baby down over and over again, ensuring they are drowsy but awake while minimizing tears as much as possible. While this approach can be time-consuming, most babies begin to understand within a few days what is expected of them. The most important thing is consistency: the baby should fall asleep while lying down.

Other parents choose not to pick their baby up again, even if they protest. They stick to the plan, providing comfort while keeping the baby in the crib. Though it may take an hour at first, these families often see success within 1–2 weeks.

How Can I Soothe My Baby?

If your baby starts fussing or squirming after being placed in the crib, don’t worry—this is completely normal. (And yes, this moment is often the hardest for parents!) However, if your baby remains completely still and quiet, they were likely too asleep when you laid them down, which means they are not actually learning to self-soothe.

What can you do? There’s no magic solution, and there’s rarely a „perfect“ way. You’ll need to find an approach that works for both you and your baby.

Try staying next to the crib, speaking softly, making soothing “shh” sounds, rocking the crib slightly, or gently patting your baby’s side. Some newborns find rhythmic tapping comforting because it reminds them of a heartbeat.

Whatever method you choose, introduce brief pauses to avoid forming a new sleep association. Constantly switching techniques is usually not helpful. Instead, stick with 1–2 soothing strategies for several minutes at a time. Give your baby a chance to adjust without relying on a new sleep prop (this is why pauses in patting or stroking can be useful—to gradually phase out contact).

Offer as much support as needed in the beginning, then slowly reduce it over time. The goal is to provide temporary assistance, not to create a new dependency. Otherwise, your baby may start expecting that you always stroke their back or hold their hand until they fall asleep—and suddenly, you find yourself standing by the crib for an hour every night!

With or Without Physical Contact?

What soothes one baby may overstimulate another. You’ll need to observe and adjust based on your child’s unique needs.

Some babies actually settle better when they are not touched. I’ve experienced this with one of my own children and have seen it in sleep consultations as well. This is largely a matter of personality!

Contrary to popular belief, some babies find too much stimulation overwhelming. Constantly picking them up and carrying them around—while well-intended—can sometimes be too much. Some of these babies may fuss briefly in their crib, but they settle within a few minutes. If picked up, they cry for much longer. These babies seem to prefer releasing tension on their own and finding peace in their sleep space.

On the other hand, some babies strongly resist sleeping without being rocked, nursed, or bottle-fed. If your baby is over six months old, their sleep habits may already be deeply ingrained. In such cases, having a structured sleep plan can be incredibly helpful.

There are different sleep coaching approaches to gradually phase out sleep associations. I outline clear, step-by-step methods for teaching independent sleep in my free email course.

Important Distinction: Fussing, Crying, and Screaming

Learning to fall asleep independently varies from child to child, and for some, it involves a fair amount of protest. As a gentle sleep consultant, I want to emphasize that a secure and attachment-based approach means staying with your child throughout the process. You will be there to support and comfort them, even as you take the lead in guiding them through this change—which may lead to some frustration on their part.

A key factor in a gentle sleep-learning process is distinguishing between different types of frustration or protest.

From experience, I find it helpful to separate „fussing“ (mild complaining, expressing discomfort, often with pauses), „crying“ (whining, protesting, or emotional crying), and „screaming“ (intense, panicked crying, high-pitched, gasping for air).

Fussing or even „loud storytelling“ can actually be a positive sign. Your baby is attempting to self-soothe but hasn’t quite figured out how yet. In these cases, it’s often best to give them space and let them try. Similarly, crying with pauses suggests they are working through the process.

Trust your instincts and assess what feels appropriate based on your baby’s age, the situation, and your gut feeling.

If it doesn’t work this time, try again later or tomorrow. No pressure! However, with older babies—especially from 8–9 months onward—consistency is crucial. They quickly learn patterns and may resist change more strongly if they sense that persistence will bring back their usual sleep habits. Unfortunately, inconsistency often leads to more crying in the long run („Is this another trial, or do you mean it this time?“), making future attempts even harder.

When Is the Best Time to Practice Independent Sleep?

Starting from three months old, aim to practice at least once a day, encouraging your baby to fall asleep on their own.

The morning nap is often the best time for this—it tends to be the easiest nap since sleep pressure is still high.

The afternoon nap can be more challenging because babies are often fussier later in the day, making it harder for them to settle.

Teaching independent sleep at bedtime is often the key to better nighttime sleep. If your primary goal is to improve nights, focusing on bedtime is essential. One major advantage of practicing at night is that your baby is naturally tired, and as parents, we are more motivated to follow through because bedtime is a non-negotiable part of the day.

Can My Baby Be Too Drowsy?

Does your baby fall asleep instantly but still wake up frequently or soon after being put down?

If so, they were likely already too drowsy when you placed them in the crib. Maybe their eyes were open, but internally, they were already drifting off. If your baby falls asleep the moment their head touches the mattress, they were probably too deep in sleep to practice self-soothing.

This means they didn’t actively participate in putting themselves to sleep—and that’s the key point.

Try to observe your baby closely and pay attention to their sleep cues to find the right balance.

The Key to Success: Practice Makes Perfect

Is Your Baby Younger Than 4–6 Months?

If you want to gently encourage independent sleep habits from an early age, I recommend starting between 6–8 weeks. Teach your little one that they can fall asleep while lying down—using all the tips and techniques mentioned above.

Some days it will work, some days it won’t—and that’s completely okay at this age! Try at least ten times before deciding that it’s not working. Then, take a break for a few days and try again.

Consistency and patience are key.

Is Your Baby Older Than Six Months?

Many babies don’t get enough sleep, and one of the most helpful strategies is to move bedtime earlier and keep wake windows short during the day.

For older babies and especially toddlers, the “drowsy but awake” method is less crucial than it is in the first few months! However, you might find that your baby still responds well to this technique, making it a useful tool for encouraging independent sleep.

That being said, many older babies and toddlers take far too long to reach a drowsy state, and the moment they are placed down, they cry out anyway.

If your baby is still struggling with sleep at six months or older, a structured approach with a clear plan is often necessary. You can find free guidance in my baby sleep course.

If you choose a sleep-learning method like the one described above, it’s best to aim for 10–15 minutes of calming before settling your baby down. However, avoid stretching this out too long, as overtiredness can make the process harder.

As your baby grows, focus on these key aspects:

• Establishing a consistent bedtime and nap routine
• Creating an optimal sleep environment (e.g., a dark room, white noise if needed)
• Identifying the right sleep window—when your baby is neither too awake nor overtired
• Ensuring adequate daytime and total sleep with a reasonably structured daily rhythm (age-appropriate sleep needs)

I wish you great success and restful nights for your whole family!

Best,
Sarah